He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
