high people should be assigned attendants
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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