The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
