I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
