While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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