Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
