Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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