1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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