did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Randomize
