He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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