I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
