wake up i wanna do it froggy style
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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