I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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