I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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