im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
