I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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