I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I wear drunk well.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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