my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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