So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
