She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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