watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
