Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
