This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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