you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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