I am spending my child support on dildos
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
