Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
