onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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