Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
