You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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