My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
