Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Randomize
