I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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