i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
