remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
