she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
