I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
