So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
