Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
