She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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