Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
