i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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