I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
