In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
