I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
