So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
