imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
