I've blown a few things in my day
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
