I wish I could teleport
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
