When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
MIDGETS
????
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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