She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Randomize
