Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
