I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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