I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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