Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
