we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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